


Excerpts from a Failed Student

by Bookworm_Milo



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Game Personalities (New Dangan Ronpa V3), References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25108660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookworm_Milo/pseuds/Bookworm_Milo
Summary: A collection of journal entries from Saihara after graduating from his high school. Unprepared for what lies ahead, he figures picking up a new hobby would help him cope and heal with unwanted feelings and past regrets.Disclaimer: The Pregame V3 personalities are based off of personal headcanons and will not go by the fandom's interpretation! This is not for the faint of heart as I'll be dwelling in some heavy topics. It's less of a "kin fic" and more of a vent mixed with an interactive twist and using my own dreams and experiences for reference, as readers can choose topics and ask questions, etc to the characters. An abstract and strange story for me to get back into something I used to love.
Relationships: K1-B0/Saihara Shuichi
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal themes. Please turn back now if this is a heavy subject for you.

**_Journal Entry 1._ ** _**Time is 11:11 P.M.** _

Dear Stranger, 

Hello. My name is… Well. That isn't important but you can call me a Drop Out Detective. I'm no one. Not anyone important or well known at least. I'm the discarded remains of what was a "friend". I'm no longer useful to those who've come in contact with me and the glue I've used to keep myself together is dry and cracked. I suppose a bit of background would be necessary yes? Though opening up to a stranger on the internet is both frightening and intriguing. We may never meet in our lifetimes but by the end of it all we'll have small pieces of each other. Please stay as long as you wish and know these logs aren't obligatory to read.. They're simply a way to mark my mind onto a piece of paper. I don't ask for a pity party, just someone to sit and listen. Even if I don't talk to anyone, it can leave my system.. Maybe you can learn from my mistakes, spot the red flags before it's too late.. Enjoy.

What I can tell you is I'm a fresh graduate, straight out of the Reserve Course. I'm 18 years old and have a fascination with detectives and murder. My favorite series is Danganronpa and sometimes I draw when I'm not working but it's nothing amazing. As of now, I spend my free time either scrolling through social media, sleeping the day away, or lying on my bed in silence.. Staring at the walls with ringing in my ears. Which is..Exactly what I'm doing now. I don't know what the purpose is to this but it felt like a waste of time to not record anything..To force my hand to do something productive and get my thoughts out instead of letting them eat me. Speaking of which- You're probably wondering why should anyone care? What's the story? 

It's a meaningless story. A story of Guilt. Shame..Anger. A toxic cycle I'm stuck in that's consumed me for years, and an inability to regain closure. Writing every detail here would be frivolous as the space on this page is limited and I'm not sure where to start. What a pain.. 

I was never the most acknowledged friend in our group; I wasn't known for sexual jokes, having everyone's attention on them, being sympathetic and attractive, talking trash and indulging in drama 24/7,being strong about beliefs, or having a voice… I had none of that. I was the "backup friend" people went to when they had no one else to talk to. I wasn't invited to activities or plans.. Or projects. I kept telling myself it was normal because people need their space. Eventually, I found myself doing everything I could to stay with them because I didn't know _who_ I was without them.. Even if I was the butt of the joke or shamed for things out of my control or unable to satisfy their needs, I wanted to stay because I cared too much. I stayed with them and did my best to help through the good and the bad. Isn't that hilarious? As humans we're wired to crave connection to people.. Form meaningful bonds and grow. And now I'm alone. Alone again. I hate it. It's like there's an emptiness in myself that can't be filled. I've tried to understand why they left me and to no avail. No one's ever going to truthfully answer to the question _,"Am I being a bother? Am I annoying?"_ Of course, I'm not a saint either. That's bullshit..I've done my best to fix those past mistakes but can't help asking myself, _"What did I do wrong? Was it something I said or did? Please let me fix it so I can make it up to you.. Please. I love you too much."_

This isn't what I wanted. If I knew this is how things would end, I would've never gotten attached. All of my secrets, my feelings.. My struggles. I would've turned the other direction, run off, and kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately the past can't be changed. What's done is done…It's over isn't it? So why? Why does it hurt so much? No matter how many people I surround myself with online, I still feel dead. 

I feel like I don't exist. Nothing is real. I'm stuck in a never ending dream I can't get out of… it's pathetic. So what's the point? If there's no meaning to a meaningless story, a meaningless person, a meaningless world? Excellent philosophical questions that I'll never be able to answer. Please. Don't take what you have for granted and tread carefully on who you trust, because you never know who'll stab you in the front. 

To end on a lighter tone, I'm doing what I can to get out of this loop. If I can't find anything to continue, I guess I could ask what do you want me to jot down my thoughts about? It can range from anything from music to my favorite Danganronpa characters or what being a Reserve Course student was like? It's up to you if I don't beat you to a topic first. I'll be waiting..

P.S. It feels silly saying goodnight without knowing who I'm talking to..There are other places in the world after all. Regardless, this is the last place I have to read books so maybe there's a chance of bonding? Heh.. Take care.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Journal Entry 2. Time is 10:30 p.m.** _

Hello again; I wasn't expecting to write to you again but I've beat you to a topic. I hope you don't mind but it's alright if you couldn't think of any. There's always next time. 

Anywho, before I begin there's some good news. I wrote a letter to Maki yesterday after not speaking with her for about 4 years. We weren't that close but our few interactions were positive... At least until **the incident.** I honestly wanted to crawl under my covers and never come out. As if suffering with a cold sweat wasn't enough, my hands trembled so much I had to take breaks in between paragraphs. Nothing would get done if I continued to sit and do nothing. Time is a precious thing and wasting any more would make my regrets all the more stronger.

I waited. Replays of our previous conversations rang in my head and sent me pacing around the room. Why? Fear. Those thoughts that bleed into your thoughts in the middle of a pitch black night, keeping you awake? Imagine that multiplied by 20. My heart beated so fast, I didn't notice what arrived and already started grabbing the bottle of pills to prepare for a heart attack. By the time I struggled to open said bottle, drop the cap, find some water, and take a few white pills, I stumbled to the couch winded. Knots formed in my stomach and in roughly 15 or so minutes everything eventually calmed down.

A letter came back. 

I hesitated to read it. What did she say? Was she angry that I reached out to her after all that time? To my surprise her response didn't hurt..It went well? We both talked about each others lives and the future, though mine's a little more morbid than hers. Not that it was a problem; usually deeper topics don't bother us and she's patient with my pessimistic tendencies. In fact, I was sobbing at the responding letter. I never thought I'd hear from her again but turns out she never carried any malice to me. As to why we haven't written to each other, she had been busy with her own life.. 

I'm glad she's alright. We both want to change this meaningless world but whether we'll be alive to see it to the end is another story.. I'm preparing for the worst. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much shorter chapter this time. These aren't daily mainly because there's not much happening and writing this to bleed and reflect reality is risky for several reasons. No one comes to be reminded of what they want to escape.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Friends with Benefits. Turn back now if you're uncomfortable with the topic. Thank you and stay safe.

_**Journal Entry 3. Time is 11:20 p.m.** _

Good evening; I hope you're doing well during these times. Strange how it's always late when I write but I like it. No loud noises.. Or the droning of the T.V. news. Only silence and the occasional crickets outside keeping us company. There's a special peace that comes with the dark of night. Unfortunately, living while the world sleeps puts a timer on the mind for vulnerability. 

Tonight's topic is a terrible, stupid, and gloomy one. Love. 

What is it? I've never had the luxury of knowing what the romantic side of it was and the appeal died early in my life. My parents never allowed me to even look at someone for too long or they'd get suspicious.. They said it wasn't useful and told me to stay away from "dirty" things.. 

At first I ignored them and carried on as most children do but as time passed by, it started to hurt. Everyone around me grew obsessed with the feeling and left me feeling off. Of course, there's platonic love in friendships and that's just as equal to romantic love but nowadays, I'm left with neither. No matter how hard I try, no one interests me. Not at school, or on my street. I thought that I might be a late person or I hadn't found anyone yet but no.. Even on the internet it's the same. No one strikes that "love at first sight" feeling. I feel empty, like there's something I'm not doing correctly. Am I missing a piece or was I just not born the same way? Questions like that continued building up until I couldn't take it anymore. 

I.. Did something selfish. I was so disgustingly desperate to find out whether I could break this cycle by forcing myself to date 2 of my friends. My friend Kaede during my freshman year, and Tsumugi during my sophomore year. We both agreed during those separate times it was just a stress reliever.. A consenting contract to fill whatever empty void we had. Nothing worked in the end. No matter what we did, whether it was hugging, holding hands, or kissing, we felt nothing. Everything felt stiff and awkward, like we were actors in a play. Not to mention the fact that in public, any type of affection terrified me because I didn't want anyone to see me and tell the truth to my parents. That and I'm squeamish to the thought of hurting who I was with. Eventually, I cut off both contracts after a few months and we went back to being friends like nothing happened. 

I am not proud of doing so and I will never be. If I learned anything, forcing yourself to do something just because everyone else is doing it isn't a good idea. It will hurt you in the long run and throw you further in despair. 

Who knows.. Maybe I'll never figure it out. None of the girls I knew were much of my type anyways. 

Still. I hate it..There's only 1 time I feel like I ever got close to having a taste of romance but the memory's so muddled in the back of my mind, I hardly feel like it was nothing but a dream. All I remember is a face and a name. Kiibo. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Long time no see. I hope everyone's been alright. Originally I was going to come back with a different story I've been working on but recent events have made me think on this instead.. After writing MNCHRM, I felt quite disgusted by everything I wrote and figured I'd come back when I improved my skills. Not that I wouldn't take responsibility for what I wrote so carelessly, due to how harmful the portrayal was. I'd like to say I've become a better person but there's nothing wrong with holding a high standard to your work to keep yourself in check. I pray I never write such a horrid trainwreck of a mess like that ever again. Probably a result of.. Some sort of a heavy troubled, deep rooted problem. 
> 
> Anyways, it feels nice to be back after about a year. I've been stuck in an art/writing block forever and reading on here's brought back motivation. I give my personal thanks to the works in my bookmarks and the kind authors I spoke with briefly. Studying said works is difficult since everyone has a certain style to stick to but hopefully I'll get to understanding it someday. 
> 
> Reaching the end here, if reading this makes you uncomfortable, I'd highly advise not continuing on as it holds some of my own struggles that I don't expect people to solve for me. Writing my raw emotion from the perspective of this character's made it feel easier to get everything out of my system rather than suppressing it and drowning myself in playlist after playlist of edgy music. Nothing wrong with music but that method's not functional. The only thing I request is to please be respectful of what I write here and keep an open mind. Thank you. 
> 
> Until we meet again. -Milo


End file.
